Hi. I’m Zax. Wow! This is intense. In moments of tension, I tell jokes. Here’s one I heard over the aether. “I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes, so she gave me a hug.”* Thank you, thank you, I’m here for the next six and a half minutes, or less. You heard some things in my introduction that you weren’t supposed to know, first impressions and all. For those who missed it, I’m referring to that bit about “. . . successful merchant, beloved clan member, fabled adventurer . . . Zax is none of those things.” As I mentioned in my presentation, that is from the first draft of my memoir entitled The Long and Winding Road, which I’m rewriting. I have accomplished a few things in my life. I was the first in my family to, oh, uh, I probably shouldn’t use that example. Since I already said it and you already know thanks to the master of the well-turned phrase who introduced me at this event tonight, the end result is that I was the first one in my family to fail at their chosen profession, that of a Dwarven clan merchant. Not the most dubious distinction or achievement, I know. I fled my homeland, and a string of debts, to pursue riches elsewhere and made my way to the surface world, finding myself here, on the Dragon Coast. I figured the geographical location has the word dragon in it, so there must be dragon hoards laying around unguarded, just waiting to be plundered. Turns out that’s not the case. This is how I began my life as a merchant of the surface world.

I know, I know, right. How could a suave, debonair, good-looking Dwarf such as me fall into such misfortune? I’m puzzled by that too. You can guess what happened on the surface world. The same thing that happened in the lightless environs of my clan that I was raised in. I failed as a merchant . . . for the second time. I accrued more debts as well. Shh! If anyone asks for me, you haven’t heard of me. What am I doing now that my attempts to enrich myself, and thus my life, and have a sense of safety have failed yet again? I’m a caravan driver; it was the only job I could get. I get lost, unfortunately, as you see, and almost missed tonight’s event because of that. I’m also inexperienced with land vehicles. Does anyone know how to drive an Orc War Wagon? It’s my ride. No? Thus, between the two, most of the time I’m late and lose money because the shipment is late, oftentimes going further into debt; on a good day, which are few and far between, I have a few coppers for a place to stay and a warm meal. Funny thing, the changing climate is making it more dangerous to get lost and get off the roads; someone needs to investigate this. One of the recent times I got lost, I mean decided to take an off-road jaunt and explore, I discovered a recently uncovered dragon skeleton, probably due to the changing climate. Would anyone like to see it? I’m open to leading a guided tour to it. No takers? I have no experience or connection with dragons, nor do I want to have anything to do with them. No living, dead, or, and I shudder at the thought, undead dragons. Nor do I want to have anything to do with the spirit of dragons either. I also handle contracts.

Know anyone who needs a contract or help with anything contract related? No? I’m in training to be an adventurer now too. Fourth times the charm, right? Adventurer for hire here, fellow adventurers. Can I join your party? Any takers? No? Wait, I’m being handed a note. Let me step aside for a moment behind this potted plant. I sure hope it’s not awakened. After a brief moment reading the note and a quick look around to make sure it’s safe, I returned to the stage, front and center. Nothing to fear; nothing to worry about. I wasn’t scared . . . or worried. No one is looking for me, or anything like that. It looks like the War Wagon was stolen from where I parked it outside; maybe the Orcs came to reclaim it. It was a filthy thing, spouting black smoke everywhere and smelling of Orc. Good riddance, I say. You, ah, don’t think they’ll come looking for me, do you? You don’t think they’ll have a dragon with them, do you? Can anyone give me a ride? See you on the road, fellow adventurers!

Source: *https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ql7-IuOhzo (1:13)